COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
my first day as a raccoon
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.