The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.