Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”