There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom