nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.