I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed