I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Thanks to a fan for this one!
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The news
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I wish I could veto my bills.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.