[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
i want to work in this restaurant
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change