is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
📽️movie date🎞️
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”