can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*