some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
life finds a way
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.