Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.