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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.