Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Important reminders
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Merry Christmas
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.