Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*