I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
they split up moments later
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”