You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here