[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.