No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!