Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.