My last name is Zilla.
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My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.