If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.