[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep