Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
do what now??
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
So, can we agree on 4 or
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
This guy’s not having it 😆