dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
You Might Also Like
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot