If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
You Might Also Like
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there