Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing