Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.