If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened