Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
You Might Also Like
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it