I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The funk soul brother
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
u spoke cat all this time??????