With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My spirit animal is fried chicken
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
This kid is a star!
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Somebody’s lying.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.