What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
can’t bark with your mouth full
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent