[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Dammit Chief not again
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
ouch
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
seems fine
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.