ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]