*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser