“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
@funTweeters
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
44.65
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45.01~ gas pumps