Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.