Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.