I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
You Might Also Like
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
They say women only use 10% of their anger