People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
awkward
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*