I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us