[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
seems like a niche market
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room