Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.