DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
meow
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
i smell a pulitzer
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.