Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This squirrel eats better than I do
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.