1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
God has abandoned us.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now