[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
mom had nothing to worry about
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first