You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Husband of the year 😂
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan