Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose